i barfeds in our rink
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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