I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
