Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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