my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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