You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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