remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He called his prostate his "boner button".
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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