there's paper in my vomit.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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