How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
