i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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