Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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