I accidentally had phone sex last night
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
