the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
thus making me awesome and them whores
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
