I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
