Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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