Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
