I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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