He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
