i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
