I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
