I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize