birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
