Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize