You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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