Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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