Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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