Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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