she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
