If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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