When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize