Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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