I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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