remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
