You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
