I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
