She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
