I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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