Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
