just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
