So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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