Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
