i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
