I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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