He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I need a beard to bite.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
