Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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