after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
