If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Randomize
