Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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