I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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