A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
