So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize