He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
