My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
