He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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