do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
They are going to name an STD after you.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
