She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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