Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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