I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
