I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
