Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
