she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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