He disabled his match.com account in front of me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
