Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just gargled with NyQuil
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
