You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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