Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
3 2 1 whiskey
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
